So, Madonna is a 49 year-old mother of 3 with a penchant for Kabbalah and yoga. In theory, Madonna is a charitable, wholesome lady approaching her 50s. But if you flick on MTV at 8am whilst munching on your cornflakes, the videos show a different side of her. Quite a crude, obvious side of her. I’m talking about her crotch. That’s right people. Madonna’s crotch.

Now, I’m all for people being happy and confident of their bodies. Hell, if I was as fit as Madonna at that age I’d be shouting from the rooftops “look at my biceps! I work out everyday for these babies!” Note: I would shout from the rooftops.. I would not wear Lycra leotards and gyrate my privates at the camera in the name of art.

I first noticed the blatant beaverage on the video for “Hung Up”. There I was “oooh the new madonna video. She’s got good legs for an older bird. Ooh look at how high cut that legline is. Gah! Madonna! Oh God! Why are you scissoring on the floor and rocking your pelvis in a sexual fashion?” I was concerned but it soon escaped my attention. “Sorry” was the next video and she was in jeans. Phew. However, 58 seconds in, there she is in that leotard again, slipping off the jeans. She pushes it in people’s faces and drives around the city, accosting men of all sizes, ages, shapes, fashions into her van and subjecting them to her crotch. Even sitting like a lady is out the window when she sits like a builder with her legs apart. At the end of the video she defeats her arch enemy with a series of wresting moves, all of which seem to involve her putting her legs perpendicular to her body or wrapping them around her neck. That’d beat the Undertaker’s wrestling move hands (or crotch) down!

The leotard must have been in the wash the day she did the “Get Together” video. Thank god. Shame she didn’t leave the dodgy dancing at home though.

Alas, just as we all thought it was safe to watch The Hits, there she appeared with Justin in a flesh-coloured version of her favourite outfit, leaving even less to the imagination. There she is, on the floor, legs akimbo. That damned crotch again! I wouldn’t even mind if she showed a bit too much cleavage but for gawds sake woman, put some trousers on!

So people of the world, lets unite together to put a stop to this gusset-flashing superstar.

Madonna, we love you, your music’s great but please, PLEASE put your crotch away.

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